3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
