remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize