After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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