I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
