Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
