There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
