a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
