i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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