Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
