i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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