She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
When are your genitals available?
Randomize
