oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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