i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
