It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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