fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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