Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
