did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
