I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
