I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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