You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
