So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
