He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
