Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
