Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
