I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just invented taco cereal.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
