Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
