I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
