if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
