I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize