you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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