i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
