I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
