I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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