i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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