So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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