I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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