Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
