things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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