Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
My underwear smells like fireworks.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
