Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
