The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
So much rum. So many feels.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
