1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
