I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
