So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
