I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Well I just put wine in my tea
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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