I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
