He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
