The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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