laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
