just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
