so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
