You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
