he thought i was a dude.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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