well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Fuck appropriateness.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
