I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
