True but thats because hes a fetus.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It's rum buckets o'clock
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
