Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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