Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
