I'm gonna have a badass scar
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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