someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
